Open letter from your ungrateful child

I’m often told you’re really lucky to have the mum you have. To which I (always) replied Yeah, yeah, I know… I hadn’t realized before it wasn’t said just to be nice: they truly meant it. You rob the hearts of everyone you meet. Of course I have always loved you, mama… but as I’m watching the machines beeping next to you, my heart is sinking. If I could take all your pain away and put it on me instead, I would do it in a heartbeat… we all would. You are our home. You are our north star.

You just woke up to ask me if I had eaten. It’s unbelievable that no matter how you’re feeling, you still find a way to forget yourself and think about us.

We take too many things for granted; especially mothers. We forget to smell the roses, we just Instagram them. We urge to record memories on moments we didn’t even truly enjoy, because we were busy publishing them. We write big paragraphs of mother’s love on social media, while mum is cooking dinner by herself, again. It’s all so…. fake.

I wanted to tell you how much you have inspired me to be a better person and all those Hallmark things you’re supposed to say on mother’s day, but I can’t help thinking about more… so, from the bottom of my heart;

Mum,

I’m sorry for the times I saw you cry and didn’t hug you.
I’m sorry for carelessly saying you ruined my life, without thinking how it hurt you.
I’m sorry for talking back, thinking I knew everything, and calling you old.
I’m sorry for the thousand times I sent you to voicemail.
I’m sorry for ever making you feel any less than the super woman you are.
I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough.
I’m sorry for quickly walking away from you that time we were at the mall, because I saw friends and I didn’t want to be “a loser” teen that hangs out with their mum. I know it hurt you, even if you didn’t show it.
I’m sorry for getting upset when we couldn’t afford the overly expensive pair of jeans.
I’m sorry for blaming you for us growing up poor.
I’m sorry for making you feel guilty enough to take a second job you hated, to afford more things.
I’m sorry I stole years of your life.
I’m sorry for all those times I denied to spend time together, mistaking there was anyone in the world more important than you.
I’m sorry I never noticed you actually wanted the last piece of pie.
I’m sorry for not noticing when you cried yourself to sleep, because you had so much to handle.
I’m sorry I never noticed you lied when you said you weren’t hungry.
I’m sorry for making fun of you for the countless nights you spent praying for us.
I’m sorry for feeding you BS. I know I’m not the world’s best liar now. I know you knew, you just didn’t want to fight.

…I’m really sorry for breaking your heart over and over again.

We are so lucky to have you, and there is nothing in the world we wouldn’t do for you. When they say not all heroes wear capes, they’re talking about you. You’re the warmest smile in the world. Your arms are our safe haven. You’re an angel and a soldier, only your cape is made of unconditional love, your shield is your forgiveness, and your supernatural strength is your power.

But above all…. Thank you.

Thank you for always believing in me, even when I gave up on myself.
Thank you for being my strength when things got hard.
Thank you for always tucking me in.
Thank you for not letting me go out with “friends” that were obviously dickheads.
Thank you for spending hours at night sowing because I wanted new trendy clothes.
Thank you for stepping up as mother and father, the only head of the house, despite being terrified.
Thank you for staying up to take care of me when I was sick.
Thank you for turning off the lights when I was too lazy to get up.
Thank you for going above and beyond, just to see us happy.
Thank you for standing up for us when needed.
Thank you for coming to pick me up at work when I got off late, even if we lived 5 minutes away.
Thank you for not letting me do whatever I wanted and standing your ground when teaching me life lessons, no matter how much I protested. I know it must have been hard.
Thank you for being my confident and my best friend.
Thank you for never letting go of me, even if I did.
Thank you for checking up on me when I travel.
Thank you for always making us feel loved, and putting us first.
Thank you for all the meals you prepared with care, only to watch me grab a quick bite and leave.
Thank you for always being there when the curtains closed.
Thank you for walking to get me the food I wanted in the middle of the winter because I was studying, and you didn’t want me to lose my concentration.

Thank you for teaching me the real value of things. I wish I could be more like you, more forgiving, more patient. You raised the bar so high, I don’t know if I will ever be half the mother you are.

No matter where I go in the world, how long, how far, you will always be my better half, the Zen in my chaos, the serenity in my mayhem. Everything I have written is an ode to you, every dream come true is thanks to you. I can be a strong woman in the outside world but with you, I only am your little girl, and nothing feels better. Everything I am, I owe it to you.

mama

I know it was hard for you because a single mother raising rebellious teenage daughters is a recipe for disaster, and all odds were against us… But you’re no average mama. With you guiding us, we swam against the current and fought every battle together. We never needed anyone else because we have each other. It’s always been us against the world. So, stop worrying about us mamita, you have raised nothing short of soldiers. It’s our turn to take care of you.

I wanted to finish with a beautiful quote, but words fall short. All I want to say is

We love you.

 

Nurse: You guys are so closely knit, it’s really touching! You have such a beautiful and loving family, Mrs Hernandez! Your children love you so much! 
Mum: Yeah, Yeah, I know

*

– L & sibs.

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